Time: 6:33 PM, Thursday after work
Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 3
Last Meal: I ate a BLT wrap and 2 pieces of fresh pineapple that Simon made for me this morning around noon, I ate half of it and couldn't finish the rest because I just didn't have the appetite for it. Didn't really eat much before that except for the piece of the pulled pork that Eliot had just pulled out of the oven. I was starving and thought it probably tasted pretty good, but I couldn't tell because the hungry was so loud.
Current level of exercise: I was standing and walking and lifting and carrying today at work from 10am to 4:30pm. Now I'm sitting.
Meds: -Adderall: This morning at 10:30
-Prozac: Last night at 7:30
-Coffee: This morning, first cup at 9:30 and second cup at like...11:30
General schedule of the day:
-Morning: I woke up at 9, got out of bed and got myself on the road so that I could pick up my Adderall refill at the Milford Walmart pharmacy and be at work by 10:00. I might have been there at 10:02. Then I worked hard doing dishes and making waffle batter at the same time, and then I was helping prepare everything for the catering event next door. After setting everything up, speed-walking in the cold back and forth between the Main Cup and the architecture place next door where the event was, and finally getting back inside and just using the bathroom for honestly 15-20 minutes, I came back downstairs and Simon was like "hey, you wanna get out of here, or do you want to wash up some more dishes?" and I was like, throwing a thumb over my shoulder, panting, "Can...can I go home?" and he's like "yeah!" and they said bye and I got my purse and my warm hoodie and headed up to my car.
-After work: I went to Walmart and got milk and cereal and Luna protein bars, and then I drove home and there was traffic before I even got off on my exit. But it wasn't too bad. Just the usual for the time of the evening, I think.
I got home and finally got inside and cleared all the dirty clothes off the floor and separated them into things I'll need very soon (underwear and bras, then tank tops and shorts and shirts for around the house, then work clothes), and the other clothes that were fancy or jeans or stuff, I put that in a laundry bag and shoved it in the closet to get it out of the way. Blah. Then I moved the clean clothes to the laundry basket so that they're all in one place, and I also got my work clothes, socks, and shoes ready for tomorrow. Then I sat down and made this blog.
Objective: I'm writing a beginning so that I can have something to work from. I need to ground myself.
Dump Zone:
Okay so
UGHHHHHHHHHHH I'm going to absolutely lose it if I get a phone call from anyone, or if anybody knocks on my door (like what happened on Friday when that survey dude came from Duke Energy asking if I wanted to switch to a clean energy source), or if I get a text that I just don't want to have to think about....
What do I need?
I need to put my feet back in my house slippers because my toes are getting cold....there we go...cross those legs again because I was nice and warm....
Okay, now I need to clip my finger nails because they're long and it's getting annoying trying to type with them getting in the way. I'm gonna go do that.
Alright, I trimmed my nails. This feels better. I do think my hands are dry though, so I'm gonna grab some lotion...
Okay...hands and fingers feel better...typing is easier...good.Head to toe:
My head - kinda feels dizzy. In fact, I should probably not focus on that too much, it'll just make it worse. That kinda happens when I'm trying to ground myself and I realize that I am dizzy or shaking.
My face - My face feels stuck. I've felt like that today as my current mental health crisis was weighing on me (I haven't mentioned it yet but I need to go into that) and the dishes at work continued to pile up as time progressed and they needed things clean....I was aware of my face. Aware that my resting expression wasn't a little smile or at least a pleasant focused look. It was this stressed look that was difficult to replace. :( It made me feel sad that I was looking so stressed.
My neck - Well, right now my neck is sore, and I feel like I just need to rest... I've been standing and crouching over dishes that I'm scrubbing and all kinds of stuff today, and my neck definitely feels like it.
My shoulders - I'm tensing them. I've dropped my shoulders, and I think part of why I had them raised was because of the level of this table and how my chair's height makes me want to be taller in order to rest my wrists on the laptop and type quickly. I should grab a pillow to sit on. :) There. I'm a bit taller, and although I wish I had a screen that was higher in order for my line of sight to not be so downward, my shoulders are more relaxed now.
My arms - Well.....I'm typing...My arms are sore from work, though. Ugh.
My chest - I'm not taking as deep of breaths as I should. I'm going to do some good breaths, like the in 4, hold 7, out 8...
My stomach - I've had psychosomatic stomach pains today from the anxiety. At the moment, it just feels kinda heavy in my gut, kinda acidic and yeah...I've been drinking a little bit of water since I got home, and I was drinking water at work, too, so that's good.
My lower back - I think I'm the most sore right here...I have my scarf folded and placed in the spot where my spine passes my hips, and it's helping a bit, but now I need an upper back support shape, too. There....I unfolded my scarf once so that it's supporting a greater area on my back, and I think it's better. My neck is sore from looking down though, now that I'm sitting on the pillow. Blah.
My legs - My legs are as sore as they usually are after a day of work like that.
My feet - I have my house slippers on so that they don't get cold, but yeah, they're sore too.
There we go.
What will I do next: I'm not hungry right now, but...I don't know...Honestly, I was hoping to be home soon enough that I'd have energy to do the painting I was thinking of doing, but I am not up for that right now... Thankfully I'm going to be seeing Neila at 10 tomorrow, because I just...I don't know...I don't know what to do.
I also need to prepare myself to tell Neila what's going on. Even though I wish I could forget and move on. Amnesia would be nice right now, just 7 days of completely forgetting certain events, but keeping my current self-confidence and my drive to continue to function at work.
The thing that would probably be best for me would be to eat a good something before I fall asleep tonight. It'll help me wake up not so exhausted tomorrow morning. But I just don't feel hungry, even though I'm pretty sure I should be, considering. It's been like this since...kind of for the 7 days here. Last Thursday was the first day. Before that my depression didn't have a focal point, but it was still there... So the loss of appetite probably came on slowly, and earlier than I'm thinking of.
Just got a text...It's from Sam...Lol here's what I said...
Oh well. x) Let's see what he says. He's Rachel my cousin's husband, he's the one whose wedding Alex and I met at, he's a huge nerd in every sense, and yeah... x) Rachel is also an INFP, and Sam is just perfect for her. He loves her so much. Nobody really sees how much. But I'm so glad that Rachel has had him these 2 years since her mother died.
Pphhhhhhhhhhhhh............phew. I'm tired of typing. I'll leave this to sit until I come back to it. I mean, I'll post this entry, but just the gist of what's wrong...I'm not ready to write it out into words.
-Ashley
This is the struggle:
I'm discovering myself,
Fighting the demons,
And supporting the flowers
Whose beauty envies devils.
A tanka poem, 5-7-5-7-7.
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2866043/the-struggle/ I just posted this.
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