12-12: I messaged my uncle who got divorced yesterday

He sent a snapchat of him in his car with the sunlight coming through pretty bright, with the caption, "I want to get window tinting but I also want people to see me singing and jamming along to my music"
and I sent a snap back, saying, "Well, I bet your bright smile would still shine even through the tinting. 😊Keep singing, whatever you decide!"

And he wrote back:
Stevie: Awww that's the sweetest thing ever Ashley! 🙂🙂
me: Also I just wanted to say I've been keeping up with your Snapchat story and even though the thought of divorce makes me sad, I know you guys are working on figuring out how to get through stuff and I love both of you and hope that this step is a helpful one for both of you.
Stevie: Thank you so much for saying that. Yeah it's a sad thing, but it's also for the best.
(relieved smiling face)


and I was talking to Mom about their divorce, messaging her on Facebook because her last messages to me had been a few days ago about who I could have as a flower girl. And I shared what I told him (above) and she was just like

Mom: That's really sweet honey.
Mom: I think that Stevie is just really hurting right now and just trying to have a normal life. So the more we can love on him and share our life with him...
Me: Totally
Mom: So send him a snap of your life every hour hahaha!!
Me: I can identify with struggling, and I know he needs unjudgemental love and fun from the people who care about him. And prayers. Lots of prayers 🙂

so I sent her this screenshot of what I had just told him about my life xD

So yeah :)


ooh, so I've got this stuff that Alex gave me that he got from something, it's called noise putty and it's sloshy and pink, basically slime :p but it smells like play-dough-y.

Anyway. I'm going to be drawing, now that I've found my stylus :P and here I go to post this and be creative for a little bit. ^_^

12-11: Starbucks and just being me and relaxed

Location: Starbucks on Beechmont, I've stopped on my way home to redeem my birthday drink :)

Time: 2:30 PM, after seeing Neila and painting for a really nice double session

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 6, better than 3 hrs ago because I am making decisions and deciding to live my life and not care that I'm walking into a Starbucks (with maybe 2 people even sitting inside) in my house slippers, and not caring

Last Meal: I ate cereal this morning

Current level of exercise: I haven't done too much, but I stood and painted for a portion of my time with Neila. I feel like going home and getting better shoes (and a bra lol) and walking around the mall or Walmart or Target or TJ Maxx or something.

Meds: Adderall was taken on time

-Adderall: 20 mg at 10:30 am--I snoozed the Adderall alarm for like an hour and a half, not on purpose, but I wanted to get around to eating before I took it, and I didn't get around to eating for a little while.

-Prozac: 40 mg last night before I fell asleep--I got home by 11, and forgot to take it right away, but I.....WAIT no. Scratch that. It was so late and I didn't want to be groggy in the morning since it was nearly midnight, so I skipped taking it...I was already tired enough to fall asleep. I thought of taking it in the middle of today and in so doing not need to take it early in the evening and be tired. But yeah I don't know yet. I'm also getting a higher dose. That'll help with stuff--I think I will try to make getting my coffee before I go to work a more streamlined process so that I can at least do that to wake up fo work.

-Coffee: I had one small cup at like 11, and I'm at Starbucks drinking a grande peppermint mocha. :) I can tell that I needed more coffee. xP

General schedule of the day: Tonight, Alex and I are going to hang out, whether we go out to dinner or hang out at his place, I'm not sure. We're going out either tonight or tomorrow night. 

So: I replied to our text conversation about whether to go out tonight or tomorrow, and whether--if we did went out tonight--he would then want to hang out tomorrow too, or if an introvert night would be better. And he said he needs an introvert night some time this week. So I said, "How about we go out to dinner tomorrow night, and tonight just introvert?" And it'll be fun, I told him how I've been wanting to watch a movie on my own, and now I can, and I can then be excited for getting to see him tomorrow. 

I feel like this week, I've been anxious to get to come see Neila and have our session where I get to paint. I've kind of been..."on hold" emotionally...And now I can get that stuff out of my system and enjoy my alone time tonight, and be adjusted for spending time with Alex tomorrow night after having centered myself emotionally. It is for my birthday, after all, and I want to be in the moment and emotionally able to celebrate stuff with him.

Objective: I'm writing here so that I can figure out where I am at the moment, and what I feel like I want to do with the rest of my day. I want to get into a headspace where I can decide what will be helpful for me when I feel "meh" and "ugh" like this morning and so many other mornings. Like knowing that coffee really helps.

Dump Zone:

12-11: Random thoughts from the past week

Thursday 12/6

I'm bartering with my sanity

Calamity 

Depravity 

Destructive

Collective

Impressive

Implicit

Explicit

Intricate

Intrinsic

Friday 12/7

Dm Em F

Whoa oh oh

F        C

Is it okaaay if I 

G

Fucking feel like shit

Dm Em F

Whoa oh oh

F        C

Is it okaaay if I 

G                                    Am

take my time getting oooover this!

Sunday 12/9

fateful pig

But what if I wasn't okay

What then would you say

What if I said "not really"

To "Did you have a good day"?

It takes a lot of courage to admit that maybe you're not masochistic, maybe you're just sadistic and lonely. 

How long of a pause do I have to give before people realize I'm not really okay today? 

Jeez o peas, I hate wet knees

Coping 

Roping

Hoping

12-10: Happy, it's a nice space to be in.

Location: Sitting at my desk...I mean table. Drank a cup of coffee, it spilled a bit when I sat down because this table is old and and wobbly but it was free, from the Midwestern Children's Home furniture stock, Mrs Broening knows one of the leaders there, and she had this and my coffee table that she didn't need that she gave me for free. But, Mrs Broening just got a new dining room table (one that will fit all of us around it easier ;) now that there are officially going to be 2 spouses.) so she is taking her old table and putting that in the breakfast nook/board game room and taking out the big round table in there (and wow it looks so much better in that room than the old table did), and she's giving that big round one to me! It's 52 inches in diameter, which just barely fits. But it fits. And now that my family (Mom and Dad and Rickey and Noah!!!) are coming for 2 nights, 3-ish days, on their way from Tennessee visiting Spence family for Christmas and before they drop Rickey off at the College of the Ozarks, now that I am going to have a bigger table, and one that doesn't wobble like this one does, we'll be able to all sit around it! I haven't had all four of my family with me yet, but I had Rickey and Noah in June I think it was, and then I took them to the airport that Tuesday morning and the next Friday, Mom and Dad came and stayed with me. So....This time, I'll have all four of them in my apartment. When I think about that, it actually makes cleaning it up (to give them floor space for their blow-up mattresses) sound like fun. I still have boxes of the Christmas decorations that Miss Mary Lee gave me, and

haha....so I have the Minecraft music playing, and I just got an email (just a Gas Buddy update lol) and the incoming email sound was a ding! that actually coincided with the piano melody that was playing and sounded like an accented, delayed high note as it came through. Lol I love music and everything it is to me.

Anyway. I still have boxes of those decorations, and there's even another box and a plastic tub and one more of the end tables left that I didn't carry in from my car. But I have plenty of time to get those before Mom and Dad and the boys arrive. And since they're getting in on the 2nd...that's a Wednesday...I'm not working that day, and the day before, so I'll have enough time to do additional clean-up the day before and day of. I won't be, just, totally zonked and not ready for them. And if things come up that I go out and have fun with friends and end up not having time, I'll just let my family know, and I know Mom will help me, and everything will end up okay. 

-So my blinds are closed but the sun is coming through anyway--actually I should open them a little bit for my plants...... But anyway I had to get my ball cap because my eyes were hurting from the sun coming in. This hat is my BOSE hat that Dad got because the headsets that they purchased for the airplane or the helicopter were Bose brand, and he had it up on the top shelf of his desk at home with the rest of his ball cap collection. He has a lot of NTMA and NTM hats (and now that the organization changed its name to ETHNOS360, he has some of those, too), and it was back in the summer of 2015 when I was getting ready to go to college, packing things and checking off lists. I asked Dad if he would let me have one of his hats to take with me to college, since I didn't have a hat, and it would remind me of him. Honestly it took some guts to just say that, but I wasn't depressed/anxious or worried that he was going to take it seriously for some reason and say "no, Ashley you shouldn't ask people to give you their things," and I just said it like I was half joking and he was like, "Yeah? Okay. Which one do you want to pick?" And I looked, and they were all dad hats (haha) and I saw this one and I was like, "Can I have this hat?" And I think he said yeah and asked why I picked it, and it was because of the color and just that it was a cool brand, BOSE, for headphones and cool music people would notice it maybe and I could make friends. Lol I don't think Dad or Mom really understood the "wear cool clothes to meet people who are into the same stuff you are" thing, but I kind of had that desire to find cool people and didn't know how else to really do it. But yeah :) this is my Bose hat. 

Hmm, I had this exact picture in mind and I totally thought I was wearing that hat in the pic, but I wasn't :P (Summer of 2015, I was at a band concert in AZ with one of my friends and we were sitting on a blanket or towel in the hot sun but the Independence Day music was cool. I had been practicing with the band (it was a community band an hour away from my house), but I dropped out after two or three practice sessions.)

Oh here's a picture. Dated May 27, it was me flying to see Rickey graduate high school.

May 27, 2018, me with my Bose hat on the plane about to take off.

Time: Afternoon, 2pm-3pm

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 5 or 6, my head still hurts but I'm feeling more positive and having less things to panic about, since I have distracted myself with good thoughts.

Last Meal: I had coffee and I should eat something else, too, because it'll give me energy for the birthday celebration tonight.

Current level of exercise: Sitting and keeping the sun out of my eyes with my ball cap. Lol

Meds: all good

-Adderall: 20 mg, this morning at 10am

-Prozac: 40 mg, last night at 10pm

-Coffee: 1 cup so far, getting another. I put the 'pumpkin spice' spices in it when I brewed it, so it's yummy. Adding whole milk and a squirt of Splenda. Mmmm. ^_^

General schedule of the day: Now my schedule is getting some food, maybe cleaning up some stuff, and then heading over to the Broening's house a little before 6, because that's when Alex gets off work and he could pick me up but I want to go a little early just because. Also when I told Alex I would probably go early, he said "good, because I have your gift in my back seat!" so haha now I have to xD but it's good. I just need to put something on and do my makeup. That will be fun though!

Objective: I'm writing this to have a good source of smiles. The soothing Minecraft music helps, too.

Dump Zone:

12-10: Rent - I paid it and it's all going to be okay

Location: Sitting on the couch in my apartment....

Time: 1:21 PM, woke up from a nap that actually helped just a few minutes ago

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 4, anxious but enough energy to deal with it

Last Meal: uhhhhh the rest of last night's protein bar and a good helping of frosted mini wheats cereal with milk, which I ate when I got up at 10.

Current level of exercise: Haven't moved much today. I was completely sore from yesterday at work, so I think I deserve a rest.

Meds: Successful; I took my Prozac last night later than I wanted to at 10pm, and my Adderall this morning with food at 10am.

-Adderall: 20 mg

-Prozac: 40 mg

-Coffee: 0, I started making some a few minutes ago but didn't get past putting water in my brita pitcher

General schedule of the day: Survive until we (the Broening clan: Mr. & Mrs. Broening, Alex and me, Will the brother, Anna and Vinny, her fiancee) get together for my birthday dinner. I'm gonna ask Alex if he can pick me up...... But alternatively, I could drive over there early, I should text Mrs. Broening first though.

Objective: I want to write how I just freaked out about rent. And the lady I talked to on the phone, from the number she'd written on a slip of paper and stuck to my door after I didn't answer her knock. (I thought it was a package. I didn't answer the door and I was asleep when it woke me up. I didn't even think that it could be someone important like the person needing to collect my rent.)

Dump Zone:

12-6: Grounding Myself

Location: My apartment, sitting at table with laptop
Time: 6:33 PM, Thursday after work
Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 3
Last Meal: I ate a BLT wrap and 2 pieces of fresh pineapple that Simon made for me this morning around noon, I ate half of it and couldn't finish the rest because I just didn't have the appetite for it. Didn't really eat much before that except for the piece of the pulled pork that Eliot had just pulled out of the oven. I was starving and thought it probably tasted pretty good, but I couldn't tell because the hungry was so loud.

Current level of exercise: I was standing and walking and lifting and carrying today at work from 10am to 4:30pm. Now I'm sitting.

Meds: 
-Adderall: This morning at 10:30
-Prozac: Last night at 7:30
-Coffee: This morning, first cup at 9:30 and second cup at like...11:30
General schedule of the day: 
-Morning: I woke up at 9, got out of bed and got myself on the road so that I could pick up my Adderall refill at the Milford Walmart pharmacy and be at work by 10:00. I might have been there at 10:02. Then I worked hard doing dishes and making waffle batter at the same time, and then I was helping prepare everything for the catering event next door. After setting everything up, speed-walking in the cold back and forth between the Main Cup and the architecture place next door where the event was, and finally getting back inside and just using the bathroom for honestly 15-20 minutes, I came back downstairs and Simon was like "hey, you wanna get out of here, or do you want to wash up some more dishes?" and I was like, throwing a thumb over my shoulder, panting, "Can...can I go home?" and he's like "yeah!" and they said bye and I got my purse and my warm hoodie and headed up to my car.
-After work: I went to Walmart and got milk and cereal and Luna protein bars, and then I drove home and there was traffic before I even got off on my exit. But it wasn't too bad. Just the usual for the time of the evening, I think.
I got home and finally got inside and cleared all the dirty clothes off the floor and separated them into things I'll need very soon (underwear and bras, then tank tops and shorts and shirts for around the house, then work clothes), and the other clothes that were fancy or jeans or stuff, I put that in a laundry bag and shoved it in the closet to get it out of the way. Blah. Then I moved the clean clothes to the laundry basket so that they're all in one place, and I also got my work clothes, socks, and shoes ready for tomorrow. Then I sat down and made this blog.
Objective: I'm writing a beginning so that I can have something to work from. I need to ground myself.

Dump Zone:

12-6: December, First Post

This is going to be a blog for Neila. I probably won't share it with anyone else, and it'll just be a place for me to dump all my stuff so that I can analyze it later (and share it with Neila). I'm writing everything from a first-person perspective and not second-person, just so that it's not confusing if I ever shared it with someone other than Neila.