Monday, November 9, 2020

11.9.20 Refocusing :)

Location: On my couch :) sitting with Lily next to me

Time: 2:25pm

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): I'm doing pretty great. 7 or 8 I'd say.

Last Meal: I made myself a cheese coney a few minutes ago.

Current level of exercise: pretty much nonexistent. :/

Meds: regular except for adderall

 -Adderall: Found some 20mg capsules (from when I had that prescription) that I will use until my 15mg refill is in

 -Prozac: regular 60mg at 9:30am

 -Coffee: regular cup at 7:30am

General schedule of the day: I got some laundry started, cleaned up the living room floor, and opened up our new vacuum cleaner and cleaned the carpet. Dang it had a lot of cat hair and junk in it.

Objective: I want to just get my mind focused on what I need to do right now.

Dump Zone: 


Ok so. I think I'm hungry again. I should have made two cheese coneys but I thought I wasn't hungry enough. after that, I'll focus on putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher that I emptied this morning. I'm like really hungry. So I'll do that now. xP


Okay I feel better after eating. I have 3 loads of clothes from the dryer in a basket that I need to fold. Earlier, I put in a Kroger order to pick up tomorrow morning and I'll get my meds at the same time. I was going to pick them up today since they're ready, but I couldn't get a pickup time early enough, so I decided to do both tomorrow. 


I'm listening to a Spotify playlist called Upbeat Christian Workout and it's a good mix :) lots of Citizen Way, Mercyme, Jordan Feliz, Beckah Shae, and some Christian rappers that I know since I'm into that genre and also used to work with a highschool kid who was a huge fan of Gawvi and he'd talk about different ones in the 1:16 squad that mostly consists of Lecrae and everyone else who writes gospel rap :) 


The laundry was the main thing I needed to do today, and I've done part of that and folding it is next. I need to make sure to get that done!


since I don't really want to take two 20mgs in one day, I'm gonna skip my afternoon dose of adderall and just have the rest of the coffee from the french press batch I made this morning. things are going pretty well. We have D&D with Alex's siblings tonight, and we haven't had that in a while since things have been busy on Mondays, so I'm excited! hope I have the energy I need. xP Anyway. I should also plan a good dinner so that Alex and I get enough food. We get hungry at D&D.


but yeah it's a pretty good day, even though I took a nap in the morning after drinking my coffee and I feel like I might take another one here in a minute. still a better day than some of the days last week. and I'm proud of what I've gotten done. :)



ACB

Sunday, November 1, 2020

11.1.20 Nutella on a bagel is one of the greatest pleasures of life

Location: My couch :) Lily's next to me asleep and I don't want to turn on my special lightbulb yet, but it's gonna get darker soon and eventually I will turn it on so I get all that sweet sweet vitamin D from the full spectrum lightbulb :P

Time: 5:00 PM, and daylight savings time just ended today

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): Pretty great! Like, 8?

Last Meal: I had a bowl of frosted mini wheats for dinner. I've been making full meals with meat and stuff for Alex and just kinda snacking on breakfast food, like a bagel with nutella for lunch today, but I did eat more of a meal yesterday so that's good.

Current level of exercise: I'll be going shopping tomorrow. Also I'll be doing a good clean-out of my kitchen, especially my fridge, because it's been too long, and there's shtuff all over my counters and my stovetop is splattered and messy. It's gross. I'm finally drinking more coffee than I was before, idk if i mentioned this but trying to limit my caffeine to one cup of coffee in the mornings was not doing me any favors, and now that I've started having another cup at lunch along with the second dose of adderall at 2pm like before, I've had more energy in the evening versus wanting to nap at any point in the day because my brain was so tired that I could just shut down and sleep without any trouble...Like, even if having some caffeine at 5pm made it just a little bit harder to fall asleep on Friday (like I bet I was asleep in 45 minutes instead of the usual 15 or 20), it wasn't as hard on Saturday (more like 30 minutes), and I'm sure that tonight since the last caffeine I had was at 2 will be a gradually sleepy night... but yeah. 

Meds: All normal and good, taken at the usual Sunday times:

 -Adderall: 10:30am dose of 15mg, 2:30pm dose of 15mg

 -Prozac: 10:30am dose of 60mg

 -Coffee: one cup of French press coffee at about 10:45am, another cup at 3:00pm.

General schedule of the day: Woke up around 8:15 I think? Alex was still in bed... He had a sweet smile on his face in his sleep and I just kinda watched him for a little bit before I stood up and went to the door, and he heard me and opened his eyes and I said, "Love you!" and gave him the sign-language for ILY, and he smiled and whispered back, "Love you too!" 

The rest of the morning I sorta fiddled around with reading a book or playing a game on my phone. After Alex got up he came out in his bathrobe and waved hi, and I knew he wasn't talking much because he has a pretty bad mouth sore on the inside of his lip, so when he patted his stomach and made a hopeful face, I knew what he was talking about and told him I'd fix him up some breakfast. I mean it was probably 11:00 or a bit later, and also my oven clock is still an hour ahead so I thought it was 12:00, lol. I made him a quesadilla with cream cheese, cheddar, salsa, and deli ham. Loooots of butter for the pan, and it made the tortilla nice and crispy. He likes it like that :) That's when I made myself the bagel with nutella on it. ugh nutella is just so fricking good. 

I ended up curling up on the couch and tried to get Lily to sit next to me but she didn't for a while, and I just napped. I woke up a bit later and I can't remember what I was doing but probably watching youtube. Alex came out of the office and asked if I wanted to continue watching Breaking Bad, and I was like yeah!! so he took a shower and after that we watched episodes until 4:00. Then I went and cooked him some lo mein with chicken & veggies in it. I had bought lo mein noodles and a few packets of seasoning a few weeks ago from Jungle Jim's and I eventually found them in my cupboard where I put them. I think the sauce shoulda cooked a bit before I put it in with the noodles and the chicken that I had already cooked, but because I was trying not to use a lot of dishes (because most of them were dirty) I just kinda poured the sauce that I'd mixed with the packet and the soy sauce and oil it called for, instead of heating the sauce in a pan first. But I think it turned out ok. 

Now I'm waiting to see if some of my writer friends from the discord server are going to come online. Nobody's been on all day. They're probably spending time with their families, I think.

Objective: I'm just kinda wanting to write a blog entry so that I record how today went, how I felt, and the things I did. It's been pretty good, even though I still am struggling to get cleaning done. 


Dump Zone:


I've been thinking, and I think I have a lot of stuff. Our apartment isn't tiny, but the kitchen is so packed full of everything I have. There's also some empty spaces in there, and I should condense the areas that are more empty, because then I'd have another portion of the area under the countertop that I could use to store stuff. Right now, I have my tortillas and bagels on the counter, and the cans that I've bought recently are still in their grocery bags on the floor under the dining table where I dropped them when I brought them home. 

If I could take the stuff I don't use every day and move it, I'd have more space to be able to put things away instead of them sitting out on the counter. Sound familiar? That's exactly what I realized about my bathroom. So that makes me think that I don't have enough storage containers to use for stuff I don't use every day. And along with that thought, there's probably some stuff that I could just get rid of entirely, if I don't use it enough to even open up the drawers they're stored in. Therefore it should be put in a box that's not taking up prime real estate.


I keep checking the discord chat, and no one is awake. I turned on some music from Spotify to fill the silence. I'm okay though, I didn't grow up with online friends for nothing, I'm understanding of the fickle nature of virtual communication, and everyone has their own lives and their own homes/families. So I can't know what's going on, and heck I'm not entitled to their presence for the purpose of my entertainment. Lol. I have other things I can do :) and I know I'll talk to them more during the week when they're online more often.


Also Alex wants me to definitely start back up with Shipt this week. I'm nervous, but I need to just jump into it and get myself the coffee I need, the meds I need, and the clothes for the job, and get in the car and drive down to Norwood or another area that has lots of orders coming in. Now that I think about it, I could check tonight to see if there are any orders open to be claimed already that are for tomorrow. I'll do that after I post this. But yeah. I've had to ask for money transfers twice, and it's because I haven't been working and I still have my own debit card and account. But yeah. I think that when I get out and do the work, I'll get into the zone and it'll feel good. Sure, I might feel nauseous after driving around all day like I have felt in the past, but after about 5 or 6 orders, I will have made enough for the day and I'll be able to head home with the confidence that I just got my stuff done and I'll be proud of myself. Alex will be too. But I need to do this for myself, not for him. 


Ok it's getting too dark now. It's 5:31 and Lily is doing a cat bath so I won't feel bad if she gets off the couch after I turn on my lamp, because she woke up from her nap. :) I'm gonna post this now, but I want to write more tomorrow evening.



















Thursday, October 29, 2020

10.29.20 Encouraging others is so special

Location: On the couch in my apartment

Time: 1:45 PM 

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): Probably a 7! I'm feeling good, ready for it to be time to cook dinner, and doing some chores in the meantime. Also had a great conversation with my writing friends and got to encourage a friend (JJ) who was having a rough day feeling like he wasn't doing anything worthwhile to try to make his country better, and he lives in Indonesia. While the other two guys that were in the conversation (Sean, age 20, and Wyatt, age 35) had known him for a couple years, they both live in the States, but I had the connection with him of having lived in the same country, and I had the connection with Sean and Wyatt that I lived in the States. I helped tell JJ that he wasn't bothering us by talking about how he was feeling, and that we were his friends. Then he went to bed since it's 12 hrs later over there and it was past midnight. Then Wyatt and Sean were talking to each other and thanked me for being there and encouraging him with them.  I posted that part of the conversation below, it made me really happy. I'm always glad when the hard things that I have gone through are relevant in conversations I have with people, and when I get to encourage them because of my experiences. 

Last Meal: I had a belvita breakfast bar pack and now I'm sipping ginger honey tea.

Current level of exercise: Walked around yesterday when I went shopping!

Meds: All on time

 -Adderall: my 15mg at 9 am

 -Prozac: my 60 mg at 9 am

 -Coffee: my one cup at 8 am

General schedule of the day: I'm going to get dishes done (already started one dishwasher full!) and organize my shelves in my bathroom

Dump Zone:

Here's the conversation log, it was special to me. :) Now I've only known these people for about 6 weeks, but still I've joined their group and jumped in without a second thought. 


Of course it's a Discord server, so everyone has nicknames. Here's the guide

Rabbi Rabbit = JJ, the guy who lives in Indonesia who was having a rough time

Krampus = Sean, the guy who lives in Texas and has been friends with JJ for a long time

Kyron = Wyatt, the guy that lives in Oregon and had a temporary falling out with Sean a few weeks ago before they made up again and are now on good terms again

Grammar Ma = me, the person who joined 6 weeks ago and took on the role of mediator of disagreements, encourager of the depressed, ambassador between the Americans and 'foreigners' that are all friends but have misunderstandings sometimes





Today at 12:21 PM

Yeah. We're not just friends with the happy, funny, writer guy Rabbit, we're also friends with the parts of you that maybe are more depressing or sad, the parts of you that you don't think are worth other people's time. We're friends with you, all of who you are.

Today at 12:21 PM

Exactly

Today at 12:21 PM

thanks guys
12:21 PM
>:}

Today at 12:21 PM

you are a whole person, and we're friends with the whole you



later after JJ went to bed:


Krampus: This is memorable
12:42 PM
Like me and Wyatt have know JJ for almost 2 years so i can’t imagine how fake we would have to be to not hear him out and listen to him
12:42 PM
And you showed your true colors by being so nice to him
12:42 PM
@Grammar Ma

Today at 12:42 PM

Im glad that Grammar's here tbh because she's really good at those reassuring words that're lost on me

Today at 12:42 PM

She adds the woman’s touch

Today at 12:42 PM

I'm worried whenever I try to have a heart-to-heart with people it comes out like Kuria lol

Today at 12:43 PM

Lol i try to sway away from the frat energy
12:43 PM
Being like, “love ya bro”

Today at 12:44 PM

lol
12:45 PM
I've had conversations like this with people before where they were comforting me
12:45 PM
I used some of the very same words when I encourage others
12:46 PM
I'm glad I could be here to listen
12:47 PM
It's also really cool how he and I both have the connection of having lived in Indonesia, that's really cool!

Today at 12:48 PM

that is actually really cool and oddly specific and convenient

Today at 12:49 PM

for real though

Today at 12:50 PM

@Agent X brings out my softest side. Her and Shadow irl are the sole reason I reached back out to @Kyron, and then that’s how we came back together

Today at 12:50 PM

I'm so glad that you both came back together