12-10: Happy, it's a nice space to be in.

Location: Sitting at my desk...I mean table. Drank a cup of coffee, it spilled a bit when I sat down because this table is old and and wobbly but it was free, from the Midwestern Children's Home furniture stock, Mrs Broening knows one of the leaders there, and she had this and my coffee table that she didn't need that she gave me for free. But, Mrs Broening just got a new dining room table (one that will fit all of us around it easier ;) now that there are officially going to be 2 spouses.) so she is taking her old table and putting that in the breakfast nook/board game room and taking out the big round table in there (and wow it looks so much better in that room than the old table did), and she's giving that big round one to me! It's 52 inches in diameter, which just barely fits. But it fits. And now that my family (Mom and Dad and Rickey and Noah!!!) are coming for 2 nights, 3-ish days, on their way from Tennessee visiting Spence family for Christmas and before they drop Rickey off at the College of the Ozarks, now that I am going to have a bigger table, and one that doesn't wobble like this one does, we'll be able to all sit around it! I haven't had all four of my family with me yet, but I had Rickey and Noah in June I think it was, and then I took them to the airport that Tuesday morning and the next Friday, Mom and Dad came and stayed with me. So....This time, I'll have all four of them in my apartment. When I think about that, it actually makes cleaning it up (to give them floor space for their blow-up mattresses) sound like fun. I still have boxes of the Christmas decorations that Miss Mary Lee gave me, and

haha....so I have the Minecraft music playing, and I just got an email (just a Gas Buddy update lol) and the incoming email sound was a ding! that actually coincided with the piano melody that was playing and sounded like an accented, delayed high note as it came through. Lol I love music and everything it is to me.

Anyway. I still have boxes of those decorations, and there's even another box and a plastic tub and one more of the end tables left that I didn't carry in from my car. But I have plenty of time to get those before Mom and Dad and the boys arrive. And since they're getting in on the 2nd...that's a Wednesday...I'm not working that day, and the day before, so I'll have enough time to do additional clean-up the day before and day of. I won't be, just, totally zonked and not ready for them. And if things come up that I go out and have fun with friends and end up not having time, I'll just let my family know, and I know Mom will help me, and everything will end up okay. 

-So my blinds are closed but the sun is coming through anyway--actually I should open them a little bit for my plants...... But anyway I had to get my ball cap because my eyes were hurting from the sun coming in. This hat is my BOSE hat that Dad got because the headsets that they purchased for the airplane or the helicopter were Bose brand, and he had it up on the top shelf of his desk at home with the rest of his ball cap collection. He has a lot of NTMA and NTM hats (and now that the organization changed its name to ETHNOS360, he has some of those, too), and it was back in the summer of 2015 when I was getting ready to go to college, packing things and checking off lists. I asked Dad if he would let me have one of his hats to take with me to college, since I didn't have a hat, and it would remind me of him. Honestly it took some guts to just say that, but I wasn't depressed/anxious or worried that he was going to take it seriously for some reason and say "no, Ashley you shouldn't ask people to give you their things," and I just said it like I was half joking and he was like, "Yeah? Okay. Which one do you want to pick?" And I looked, and they were all dad hats (haha) and I saw this one and I was like, "Can I have this hat?" And I think he said yeah and asked why I picked it, and it was because of the color and just that it was a cool brand, BOSE, for headphones and cool music people would notice it maybe and I could make friends. Lol I don't think Dad or Mom really understood the "wear cool clothes to meet people who are into the same stuff you are" thing, but I kind of had that desire to find cool people and didn't know how else to really do it. But yeah :) this is my Bose hat. 

Hmm, I had this exact picture in mind and I totally thought I was wearing that hat in the pic, but I wasn't :P (Summer of 2015, I was at a band concert in AZ with one of my friends and we were sitting on a blanket or towel in the hot sun but the Independence Day music was cool. I had been practicing with the band (it was a community band an hour away from my house), but I dropped out after two or three practice sessions.)

Oh here's a picture. Dated May 27, it was me flying to see Rickey graduate high school.

May 27, 2018, me with my Bose hat on the plane about to take off.

Time: Afternoon, 2pm-3pm

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 5 or 6, my head still hurts but I'm feeling more positive and having less things to panic about, since I have distracted myself with good thoughts.

Last Meal: I had coffee and I should eat something else, too, because it'll give me energy for the birthday celebration tonight.

Current level of exercise: Sitting and keeping the sun out of my eyes with my ball cap. Lol

Meds: all good

-Adderall: 20 mg, this morning at 10am

-Prozac: 40 mg, last night at 10pm

-Coffee: 1 cup so far, getting another. I put the 'pumpkin spice' spices in it when I brewed it, so it's yummy. Adding whole milk and a squirt of Splenda. Mmmm. ^_^

General schedule of the day: Now my schedule is getting some food, maybe cleaning up some stuff, and then heading over to the Broening's house a little before 6, because that's when Alex gets off work and he could pick me up but I want to go a little early just because. Also when I told Alex I would probably go early, he said "good, because I have your gift in my back seat!" so haha now I have to xD but it's good. I just need to put something on and do my makeup. That will be fun though!

Objective: I'm writing this to have a good source of smiles. The soothing Minecraft music helps, too.

Dump Zone:

Mmmm coffee now! also I have to pee again. Gonna close the door this time. xP haha...

Okay... oh yeah, coffee. 

alright coffee is good and yummy.

So. Mom and Dad and my brothers coming to visit. I'm excited and I really hope the visit doesn't just fly by. It probably won't fly by too bad, because we're not, like, planning a million things to do, but still, I know that if they leave after coming by for brunch at the restaurant on Friday (I'm so glad they are!) I think I'll want to be able to say goodbye and then go home... The last time they visited, or my parents, at least, I wanted them to be able to come to the service at Faith Church on Sunday morning, but they had to take off after that--they were meeting someone for lunch in Indiana I think. Also I was working in the tech booth, doing the slide progression for the song lyrics and sermon points. So after doing it in the first service and only messing up maybe once on a song slide not being fast enough/too fast, something like that, I then had to run down after that service ended and see my parents and talk about the sermon/music/everything and they hugged me and said goodbye, and then I went back up to the tech booth and Alex was there, doing sound mixing, and I was just like...drained... I then did the slides for the second service, and I messed up more than just 1 time, that service. I was distracted by feeling like I hadn't had enough time to really say goodbye to my parents, and social anxiety bothered me too because I felt like it showed on my face that I was sad, and as I sloshed through a few more out-of-sync transitions, it was making me flustered... As soon as the songs were over and the sermon began and he got onto his first point, I asked the tech guy in charge of producing if I could go to the bathroom, and if he would take my spot in progressing the slides. He said yeah, and Alex asked me if I was alright, and I kind of didn't answer or at least didn't answer him fully. 

My parents had just left and the sense of home and belonging and emotional comfort and familiarity that they had reignited in me was suddenly taken away. I sat in the church bathroom stall and I was just confused. Why was I feeling this so acutely? I've been away from home since I went off to college, and that was 3 whole years ago at that point. I am okay on my own now and I don't miss my parents every day, I don't even think about missing them every day. I've always wanted to be independent and never get homesick, because being homesick was for wusses who have no sense of adventure or excitement when something totally new is before them. 

So I sat and wondered why I was just sad and missed my mom and dad and also felt mad that they had left so fast, and not at least moved those lunch plans so that they could have a lunch with me and the Broenings after church? That would have been the perfect goodbye. My parents didn't think it was that important to have a nice goodbye with me. They just wanted to be efficient, and feelings and emotional needs always come second after efficiency. It was just like them.

So...heh....now that I've gotten that out, what should I do in order to keep the same kind of thing from happening this visit? I should make preparations on my end to have free time to say goodbye, and I should tell them that having a good farewell is important to me so that they can plan accordingly, too. 

1. Ask if I can be off work as soon as my parents arrive and order their food, in advance, for that Friday Jan 4th. 

2. Ask if Dad can spare a few more hours so that I can be with them when we eat, and then go home with me, and then say goodbye. 

This should help. And how should I prepare myself emotionally? I'll talk to Neila about it. 

Hmm.....water...face moisturizer...also, yay me, I feel warm enough in this long-sleeve top that I enjoy wearing but won't wear out because it's too tight on me and also kind of sheer because of that...and since it's long sleeve, if I wore a tank top for modesty underneath it, it would be too hot once I got indoors, and it would make for an uncomfortable experience, and those usually end in experiencing some degree of lasting panic.....

But wearing this at home with no bra and rolling up the sleeves is just the right warmth level for me to be able to enjoy it. Also maybe the sun coming in the windows now is helping to bake this side of the building and foster warmth inside. 😌

Okay. Lol I have to pee again. I'll fill my water cup (it's from yesterday at work, so it's a clear plastic takeaway cup with a straw. Chelsea got it for me when she came in and asked me and Cory, the guy who started out doing dishes and barista training and then moved to mostly just barista, if we needed anything. I was like, completely zombified and going through the motions of rinsing food off dishes and if they didn't get all rinsed off with the sprayer, putting them in my tub of hot soapy water, and stacking rinsed things so that I could put them through the little dishwasher on racks that slid through and out the other side to sit and air dry before being put away...

I took this picture from above so that I could remember how I organized the glasses in this cup rack before putting them through the dishwasher. Lol you can see a couple pieces of cilantro in the bottom of the dishwasher that I needed to take out before they stuck in the drain. 

But yeah I was methodically working and working in the hopes that by the time I ran out of mindless stuff to do, I would be able to go home and not have to work for a few days

And Chelsea asked if I needed anything and my zombie head swiveled to face her and I managed to say, "Water...that would be really good, water..." and she got me some and brought it in, with a little bit of ice and with the paper sleeve of the straw still covering the top of it, like she would do for a customer, and it was just comforting and just a little display of kindness that made me smile and keep working.

Anyway I still have that cup today, and I've refilled it once or twice to have water next to my bed at night, and I'm going to refill it again except now I've been writing without taking a bathroom break, again, so I'm gonna do that first. :P lol me.

Ooooh! Alex must be looking at Zillow houses at work xD he just texted me a listing for a beautiful colonial style house in Hamilton county. It's awesome. I know we'll probably start off in an apartment--probably his--when we're married, but hey, looking at houses to find the look that we both love is a lot of fun. x)

I've babysat Kari DiStefano's daughter's adopted kids before at their apartment in Norwood (at least I think it was there, I can't really remember, maybe it was actually over on the southwest side of Cinci), and it had a similar feel. Wood floors and stairways up to the next floor that was also cool, and just... Like the description of that house said, "character throughout". x)

Hmmm :) Oh, the sun has stopped shining in my eyes, I can take my hat off. Also my water, gonna refill that cup.

from the Youper app, I logged my mood just now as "Happy" and I'm pretty sure I've generally been other places on the spectrum for the most part. "Excited" has been one, "Confident" has been another, aside from the negatives that I fall to sometimes, but today is simply "happy". I like it. It's more than "Calm" and not as energetic and driven as "Confident" usually feels, and it's a really nice space to be in right now.

This is the whole list of moods that Youper tracks:

And it keeps track of the following factors influencing that mood:

(it has drugs on it that you can keep track of lol) and I've added the bottom group of factors on my own. Then, on the next page, you can see how everything has been going, and also if you've tracked any moods enough times with enough related factors, it records it on the Insights page, which is cool!

I really like the app.

Okay. I really haven't eaten or filled my cup of water like I keep wanting to. and the 2 hr, 7 min album is on the last track. I asked Mrs. Broening if coming over early at 5 was a good time, and she said it was perfect, so I'm aiming for getting ready to leave in the next 30 minutes since it's 4pm now... I'm hungry.

I've got water now, and while I was waiting for the brita pitcher to filter it, I walked back in my room and found a shirt and sweater for me to wear tonight. :) 

Now, food. Animal crackers for starters :) to soak up the coffee in my stomach x)

Wow, this last track of the Minecraft music is 15 minutes long. xD 

Eating these animal crackers is really comforting. 

Okay, I think I'm going to post this and see if the settings I created for sharing posts with Neila are working the right way.