12-11: Starbucks and just being me and relaxed

Location: Starbucks on Beechmont, I've stopped on my way home to redeem my birthday drink :)

Time: 2:30 PM, after seeing Neila and painting for a really nice double session

Mood (1 to 10, 10 = fantastic, 1 = absolutely horrible): 6, better than 3 hrs ago because I am making decisions and deciding to live my life and not care that I'm walking into a Starbucks (with maybe 2 people even sitting inside) in my house slippers, and not caring

Last Meal: I ate cereal this morning

Current level of exercise: I haven't done too much, but I stood and painted for a portion of my time with Neila. I feel like going home and getting better shoes (and a bra lol) and walking around the mall or Walmart or Target or TJ Maxx or something.

Meds: Adderall was taken on time

-Adderall: 20 mg at 10:30 am--I snoozed the Adderall alarm for like an hour and a half, not on purpose, but I wanted to get around to eating before I took it, and I didn't get around to eating for a little while.

-Prozac: 40 mg last night before I fell asleep--I got home by 11, and forgot to take it right away, but I.....WAIT no. Scratch that. It was so late and I didn't want to be groggy in the morning since it was nearly midnight, so I skipped taking it...I was already tired enough to fall asleep. I thought of taking it in the middle of today and in so doing not need to take it early in the evening and be tired. But yeah I don't know yet. I'm also getting a higher dose. That'll help with stuff--I think I will try to make getting my coffee before I go to work a more streamlined process so that I can at least do that to wake up fo work.

-Coffee: I had one small cup at like 11, and I'm at Starbucks drinking a grande peppermint mocha. :) I can tell that I needed more coffee. xP

General schedule of the day: Tonight, Alex and I are going to hang out, whether we go out to dinner or hang out at his place, I'm not sure. We're going out either tonight or tomorrow night. 

So: I replied to our text conversation about whether to go out tonight or tomorrow, and whether--if we did went out tonight--he would then want to hang out tomorrow too, or if an introvert night would be better. And he said he needs an introvert night some time this week. So I said, "How about we go out to dinner tomorrow night, and tonight just introvert?" And it'll be fun, I told him how I've been wanting to watch a movie on my own, and now I can, and I can then be excited for getting to see him tomorrow. 

I feel like this week, I've been anxious to get to come see Neila and have our session where I get to paint. I've kind of been..."on hold" emotionally...And now I can get that stuff out of my system and enjoy my alone time tonight, and be adjusted for spending time with Alex tomorrow night after having centered myself emotionally. It is for my birthday, after all, and I want to be in the moment and emotionally able to celebrate stuff with him.

Objective: I'm writing here so that I can figure out where I am at the moment, and what I feel like I want to do with the rest of my day. I want to get into a headspace where I can decide what will be helpful for me when I feel "meh" and "ugh" like this morning and so many other mornings. Like knowing that coffee really helps.

Dump Zone:

Whew. :) Actually I wish I was all good with a bra and stuff so that I could take off this sweater, because my arms are getting hot... I'll take my scarf away from sitting by my hip and kind of adding to the warmth. And roll up my sleeves.

I enjoy coming to Starbucks and sitting with my laptop, or a notebook, or my Nintendo Switch, or whatever. It's a place where no one knows me or has any expectations on me, except that I will be quiet and not make weird eye contact with them or try to interact. I like that. No expectations. 

It's also fun to be in a different environment. There's that ambient noise, the big windows, the cute art on the one wall, and the baristas working and wanting to be good employees and also have a fun time at their job. 

When I came in, no one was in line, and the parking lot was pretty empty, so it was a relief to know that I could take my time with making sure I did still have my Gold membership to get the free drink with...and choose said drink... So yeah, I came up to the counter and I had been looking around at the building and seeing how it was big and had an interestingly-placed front door and awning. And I said to the guy (who kinda looked like a discount Ed Sheeran, with a...hm, what's it called...a newsboy hat), "Have you guys recently renovated this location, or have I just never been inside this one?"

And he kind of looks around and says, "....I think you've just never been inside." 

And it was the haha-he-must-think-I'm-a-weird-customer moment where I laughed at myself and smiled, thankful that he wasn't reacting in a way that made me feel stupid. In my head I was confidently accepting, "I'm a drive-through customer, and I'm loyal to coming here when I need Starbucks coffee. I've just always gotten it at the drive through and then parked and sat in my car as I processed whatever I was trying to process. I've even sat in this parking lot waiting for a mechanic to come help me restart my battery after I thought it died."

Out loud, I said, "Yeah, I guess I just always use the drive through. But yeah--" I looked around with an impressed expression-- "this location is nice!"

He smiled and asked, like, what I was here for, and I hmm-ed and huh-ed for a split second and then went into "I'm ADD but I can get the point across and he's here to help me so I can just start talking and not feel self-conscious, it's okay" mode. "So, it's my birthday, and I want to redeem my birthday drink, but I'm not sure if I have to do anything to make sure...." And I started digging in my purse and talking about how I was tangled up (because I had my drawstring bag 

oh my gosh xDDD Will, Alex's brother, who I saw last night at my birthday celebration and everything, is here at this Starbucks! Lol I didn't even realize he was here until the person in my peripheral (in front of me lol) turned around and lifted his hands and said, "What are you doing here?" in the most incredulous, what-kind-of-coincidence-is-this, why-didn't-you-notice-me-first kind of voice. It took a moment to click that the guy was Will, and I did a little gasp and threw my hands in the air and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh!" and then covered my mouth because I realized everyone in the coffee shop (which does have a lot of ambient noise and music playing, but still, I was kinda loud) turned around when I shouted, hahaha.

"You know that I work in the building right over there, right?" he said, and I was like "Ohh, yeah. Haha" "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, just hanging out, writing--" and he was like "But why here?" or something and I was like, "Well, I'm still loyal to my coffee shop, but, it's my birthday" [duh] "and Starbucks gives you a free drink, so here I am" and he nodded like yeah that makes sense

And he said how he had to come in to work an hour early, and he'll probably have to stay an hour late, so he's taking as many breaks as he can, lol. He was there with a coworker who just stayed over at the counter waiting for her drink, she looked like older 30s or 40 and like a normal coworker from a place, like yeah she didn't really say hi or anything. But yeah it was funny. 

I said, "Well yeah I hope you have a good day, even though it's long!" and he said "Yeah thanks. Happy birthday!" and went over and got 

They keep playing the toby Mac song "I See You In Everything" even when he's a Christian artist, it's kind of funny but cool! I loved Toby Mac in middle school and stuff when I discovered him when we came back to the States in 7th grade and he was on the radio and stuff. Like when "City On Our Knees" came out. And Mom and Dad were like, "Do you know who this is? This is the rapper guy from dc Talk! We were huge fans of them back when we were dating! We went to like three of their shows, and since we were at a big church, they came and did one of them there at the church! We were the OG fans." Hahaha

Anyway Will went back to chatting with his coworker and I smiled at my computer and laughed to myself. I didn't even notice that it was him, it's so funny. 

I just texted Alex that I saw his brother. x) 

Haha...okay. I really wish that I had been able to find my earbuds in my purse, because listening to music would just absolutely make this perfect right now. As it is, I need to pee, and I'm sitting with my stuff scattered around me on my chair and on the floor next to me and my phone is plugged in and I'm cross-legged with this laptop and I put my hair up in a bun without a hair-tie by using the string of my hoodie to scrunch it up on my head since my hair being down was making me feel hot......

I don't really feel like going home yet, because I feel like I could hang out here for so much longer, but unless I could just ask these two people next to me who are talking if they could watch my stuff while I go to the bathroom, I might pack it all up and go in, hoping that my chair would still be open when I get back.......

But hm...

Okay. I'm gonna ask them to watch my things, and I'll bring my phone.

Sweet. Everything was still here and so were the people I asked to watch it. :P for the, like, 1 min 30 seconds that I was gone. x) But yeah. 

Ooh, I found a hair clip in my pocket. I'll use that instead of my hoodie string. :P

Memes from this morning that were relatable:

I think I want to share this whole post on my other blog--the one that's shared with some close friends, including high school friends who've also struggled with depression, and my brother Rickey... So I think I might take the other post with more depressing stuff and hide that from being able to be viewed, just cuz, and any of those friends--including Rachel the roommate and friend who's coming over in 2 days to ride with us to the wedding--they'll understand that this is more of my therapy stuff than update on how well I am stuff. Or, maybe I'll just post the same content without saying it's from another blog. I think I'll do that actually.